Are Your Child’s Learning Struggles Turning You into a Monster?

You’re frustrated and frazzled.

You’ve been nagging at your kids for hours. Snapping. Yelling, even.You’re not happy with how you’re acting, but you can’tseem to stop the momentum, pull a U-turn and get yourself off Witchy Laneand back onto Reasonable Avenue.

Welcome to the club.

Every parent has days when life’s challenges feel… well, challenging.And if you’re the parent of a kid who is struggling, those challengescan feel absolutely overwhelming. Stress (as we all know) can bring outthe worst in all of us. And if you’re feeling the stress of herdinga resistant child through hours of homework, dealing with angry outbursts,or being stretched too thin, that stress can prompt you to respond inways you know aren’t helpful.

If the stress of being parent has been turning you into someone you barelyrecognize, here are five suggestions to make you feel more like yourself again:

Attend to yourself.

You may have seen theSnickers Super Bowl commercial in which we get to see what happens to Marcia and Jan when they’rehungry. It’s a hilarious commercial, to say the least. But it makesa good point. When we’re legitimately hungry, we can find ourselvesresponding badly to stresses or obstacles in our lives.

A self-care acronym taught in many recovery groups is H.A.L.T., which stands forhungry, angry, lonely, tired. It’s a reminder to pay attention to your state of mind, especiallywhen you find yourself making choices that aren’t helpful.

If you feel yourself overreacting to parenting challenges, take a quickassessment. Are you setting yourself up for this kind of overreactionby neglecting some of your most basic needs? Would you (and your kids!)benefit if there were a healthy snack or a quick nap in your immediate future?

Put yourself in time out.

Time outs aren’t just for kids. When things start getting too intense,take a break. Go to your room, walk around the block, retreat to the kitchen.Go sit in your car for ten minutes if you need to.

The point is, interrupt the escalation by removing yourself from the situation.Turn your attention away from whatever it is your child is doing thatis so frustrating, and pay attention instead to what is happening in youremotions and in your body. Observe yourself almost as if you were a detachedthird party. How are you feeling? Frustrated? Powerless? Defensive? What’sgoing on in your body? Are you clenching your teeth? Do you feel tensionin your hands? Is your stomach in knots? This kind of mindfulness oftendiffuses the intensity of what you are experiencing and puts you in greater control.

What’s particularly cool is that research has shown that thiskind of mindfulness in educational settings reduces teacher burnout, increasescompassion, and improves performance in the classroom. In other words, it helps teachers become better teachers. Can it helpyou become a better parent? Try it and find out.

Try whispering.

Is yelling at your kids working? Probably not. In fact, raised voices cansometimes cause everyone to escalate their intensity and volume. Try loweringyour voice instead, speaking in a below-normal volume.

It may take a few minutes for your kids to notice that your mouth is moving,but once they do there’s a chance they’ll be curious enoughabout whatever it is you’re saying to lower their own volume sothey can hear. This may not work every time, but it’s worth a try.It really can de-escalate the chaos and create space for a productiveconversation.

Give your family a heads up.

One woman explained that, when she’s grumpy or stressed and realizesshe’s in danger of overreacting, she lets her family know by wearinga particular piece of “comfort clothing.” It’s her favoritetattered old robe, and her family knows that when that robe shows up,it’s in their best interest to give mom a little extra cooperationand space.

If the tattered robe doesn’t do it for you, try simply explaining,“Okay, gang, I’m feeling stressed and don’t want tosay or do anything we’re all going to regret later, so consideryourself warned. I need __________” and you can fill in the blank.No arguing for twenty minutes? Everyone working quietly on homework fora spell? Some space to decompress? Fifteen minutes of everyone pickingup toys and straightening the house? Be specific.

The simple act of communicating where you are on the “losing it”continuum—and how your family can help you keep that from happening—canmake a big difference in the quality of the rest of your day or evening together.

Realize laughter can be a game changer.

Another mom tells the story of being enmeshed in a screaming match withher teenaged daughter when her daughter suddenly glared at her, crossedher arms, and said tauntingly, “Don’t tell me what to do. You’re not mymother.” They stared at each other for a moment and then burst into laughter.The mom explains, “Her accusation was so sassy and ludicrous, itimmediately broke the tension. To this day, one of us will say to theother, ‘You’re not mymother’ and we’ll crack up laughing.”

Research shows thatlaughter lowers blood pressure, decreases stress hormones, and relaxes muscles. Laughter also creates asense of trust and connection. Bottom line, finding something to laugh about together is a great wayto immediately change the atmosphere in any interaction, particularlya tense one.

Everybody “loses it” sometimes, but very of us feel good aboutthe experience after the fact. Put these five tips into practice and youjust might find yourself “losing it” a lot less.