A Brain-Based Perspective on Managing Big Emotions & Outbursts

Do you have one of those kids who flies off the handle at the smallest disappointments or inconveniences? Big emotions can run the show in a lot of our households, and as parents, these are some of the most difficult situations to handle. 

Why Is It Hard to Keep Your Cool?

The brain has an amazing ability to take in what’s going on around you, for better or for worse. We actually have things called mirror neurons that cause us to feel or react similarly to those we see. (They’re the reason you feel like yawning once someone else does).

In the case of kids losing their cool or having big emotional outbursts, these mirror neurons also cause similar emotions to arise in your own brain. As parents, it’s important for us to model strong emotional regulation, but in the heat of the moment, this takes some serious effort because we’re literally escalating and feeling what our kids are feeling. 

A Deeper Look at Big Emotions & Outbursts

We all know that just telling kids to “calm down” or “not worry about it” is never effective in the heat of an emotional outburst. In fact, these placating phrases may escalate the reaction further. Instead, here are some strategies to help your family navigate these big emotions more objectively:

#1: Name What You’re Feeling

You have to name it to tame it! Work with your kids to develop an emotional vocabulary so you can pinpoint what it is that they’re feeling. If they feel disappointed, it’ll require a different regulation strategy than if they feel overwhelmed, for example.

#2: In the Moment, Just Give Space and Be Calm

Most kids who are having a big emotional outburst don’t want to talk through what they’re feeling or how they should be acting in the moment. Instead, what they need is a calm, steady presence where you actually help them coregulate until they learn the strategies to regulate their own emotions. 

#3: Talk Through Alternative Reactions

After the heat of the moment has passed, it’s important to have a conversation with your child about their reaction. For many kids, this looks like saying something along the lines of “That was one way to handle that big emotion you were feeling, but what are some more constructive ways we can try?”

Whether the underlying emotion driving the outburst was overwhelm, disappointment, anger, frustration, or some other strong feeling, here are some alternatives to suggest:

• Just walk away from the task (or game, or conversation, etc.) for 5 minutes to cool off, then you can come back to it and pick up where you left off
• Take 5-10 deep breaths to reset your body and signal to your brain that it’s safe
• Jog in place for 5 minutes or go do something active to burn through some of that pent-up frustration
• Remove sensory input by turning down the lights or background noises

If you work with your child to create a list of constructive reactions to these big emotions, they’ll have a toolbox they can draw from when it inevitably rises again. This list is going to be unique to each child and each stage, but the important thing is that you have this conversation when they’re NOT in an actual meltdown!

#4: Look at Why They’re Struggling to Process These Emotions and See Solutions

Big emotional outbursts and “unreasonable” reactions are often linked with poor cognitive functioning. Think about it: when your child’s brain struggles to process the world efficiently or come up with alternative solutions to a problem, they’re likely to feel more pressure, overwhelm, frustration, and other big insurmountable feelings. In particular, here are some skills to look at if they’re frequently flying off the handle:

• Logic & Reasoning: this is your brain’s ability to problem-solve or create solutions. If this skill is weak, they will have trouble thinking outside the box or seeing positive outcomes to the situations they encounter.
• Processing speed: if your child is slower to process feelings and situations, they may feel stuck, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Faster processing can help them work through helpful solutions more efficiently so they don’t get as stuck in the heat of the big emotion.
• Executive functioning skills: these are your brain’s ability to see a task and complete it systematically, whether that task is getting dressed in the morning or writing a 20 page thesis paper. For kids who struggle with these skill areas, they frequently feel stuck and unsure what the best next step should be.

It is possible to build underlying skills like these to help your child become more skilled and confident at processing information and the world around them. If you are feeling like something is holding your child back, this can be a helpful place to start! Click here to learn more about cognitive testing options near you.