4 Things We Need to Stop Saying to People With ADHD
People with ADHD are tired of being told to focus or calm down… but why are these pieces of “advice” so unhelpful? It really comes down to core differences in the way ADHD brains function. Here are 4 things that we should stop saying to people with ADHD, why they’re unhelpful, and what the alternative could be.
#1: “Just Focus”
Why This Is Unhelpful:
Telling people with ADHD to “just focus” is like telling someone with poor vision to “just see better.” Focus is not a switch they can flip on demand. The ADHD brain often struggles with attention regulation, meaning it can either be hyper-focused on something they’re interested in or completely scattered when it comes to tasks that don’t immediately grab their attention.
The Cognitive Mechanism:
The issue lies in the brain’s ability to regulate dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to attention and motivation. In ADHD brains, the pathways that control dopamine release don’t work as efficiently, making it harder to focus when they’re not intrinsically motivated or stimulated.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of demanding focus, offer tools that can help manage attention, like breaking tasks into smaller steps or using timers to create urgency. A statement like, “Let’s try focusing on this one part for five minutes and see how it goes,” can feel more achievable than simply commanding them to “just focus.”
Read More: Attention is Not the Weakest Skill for Most People with ADHD >>
#2: “Calm Down”
Why This Is Unhelpful:
For someone with ADHD—or really anyone in a heightened emotional response—“calm down” can feel like an impossible task. The ADHD brain is often overstimulated, leading to physical restlessness or mental hyperactivity. Telling them to calm down without addressing the underlying stimulation only leads to more frustration.
The Cognitive Mechanism:
The brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation, tends to function less efficiently in individuals with ADHD. This can make it harder for them to slow down or regain composure in situations that cause excitement, stress, or anxiety.
What to Do Instead:
Rather than saying “calm down,” try guiding them through strategies that help regulate their energy, such as deep breathing, taking a short break, or using movement to burn off excess energy. Saying something like, “Let’s take a few deep breaths together,” or “Would you like to take a short walk?” can be more supportive and effective.
Read More: The Role of Weak Cognitive Skills as a Root Cause of Impulsive Behavior >>
#3: “Hurry Up” or “Slow Down”
Why This Is Unhelpful:
The ADHD brain operates on its own timeline. When you tell someone with ADHD to “hurry up,” it can heighten their anxiety, making it even harder to focus and complete tasks. On the flip side, telling them to “slow down” can feel like you’re asking them to suppress their natural energy, which can lead to frustration or boredom.
The Cognitive Mechanism:
This relates to the brain’s difficulty regulating time and processing speed. For some, time seems to slip away quickly, making it hard to keep track of how long things take, making it appear like they’re moving at a sloth’s pace. Others may struggle to process information at a typical speed, making “hurry up” feel impossible to achieve.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of using time-related commands, try setting more realistic expectations. If they’re moving too fast, offer gentle reminders to check their work or slow down thoughtfully, like, “Let’s take a moment to make sure everything is in place before we move on.” If they’re struggling to speed up, use visual timers or verbal reminders like, “You’ve got 10 minutes left—let’s see how much we can get done in that time.”
Processing speed is a skill that you can improve! Learn more here >>
#4: “You Just Need to Listen Better”
Why This Is Unhelpful:
A challenge for people with ADHD is that they may hear the words you say, but struggle to process them. This looks like an immediate reaction of “Huh?” “What?” “What’d you say?” any time you give them directions or try to get their attention. But without addressing the cognitive side of this struggle, telling them to “just listen” doesn’t provide them any tools to actually comprehend what you’re saying.
The Cognitive Mechanism:
The mechanism for this is that often in ADHD brains, processing speed and auditory processing deficits exist that may look like attention struggles—but when you look deeper, there’s a deficiency in their ability to process language (or other stimuli) fast enough to keep up.
What to Do Instead:
Rather than assuming they aren’t listening, it’s more helpful to break down instructions into smaller chunks. Instead of saying, “You just need to listen better,” try giving them a moment to process what you’ve said and ask them if they need clarification. Alternatively, you can turn the question back on them to ask “What did you hear?” and then fill in any missing pieces. This approach allows the ADHD brain to catch up with the auditory input, helping to reduce frustration for both of you.
